Death of a God
by windwhisprer
Summary: [oneshot] [3x9 Hx9] Maybe Hakkai could have helped him if I stopped the fight, though I knew that thought was completely idiotic. Sanzo would have beat me for it, and I know Homura would have never forgiven me for pitying him. So I had to watch him die.


**A/N: **Hey everybody! I was rewatching Homura's death scenes and some depressing amv's and I decided to do a tribute to Homura's death through Goku's eyes. I enjoyed writing this very much, and I think it's one of my best. This contains hints of SanzoxGoku, but mostly HomuraxGoku. Please enjoy, and leave your concerns and feedback.

**Death of a God**

I don't know what to say, really. Every part of me feels numb. Numb on the outside and inside. It's like everything that happened over there—in the new world—happened without my consent, or my knowledge. Things were happening too fast to grasp. I wanted to cover my ears and scream "Stop!" more then once. Though I knew that wouldn't have helped.

During the fight, I can only explain the feeling that built inside me as dread. Pure, suffocating dread that caught in my throat, blurring my vision and causing bile to rise to the back of my throat. I knew something bad was happening, watching as Homura fell to his knees during our fight, clutching at his chest. He was in pain, that I could see. I wanted to know what was going on. Maybe Hakkai could have healed him if I stopped the fight, though I knew that thought was completely idiotic Sanzo would have beat me for it, and I know Homura would have never forgiven me for pitying him.

So I could only stand there, watching as Homura beat me. Threw me around. Slammed me into rocks. It was the least I could do for him. This felt normal, having Homura win in our fight. Even though I was giving him the win, this was how it was supposed to be. When Homura used to pummel me, used to beat me so badly I felt like I could curl into myself and never see the light of day again. That was what gave me the desire to beat him. It's what drove me to train to extreme lengths, just so that one day I would finally be able to hit him. If only just once.

But this was _wrong_. Homura's punches weren't even that hard anymore, let alone as bone-shattering as they used to be. It was when Sanzo spoke to me that I realized that what I was doing was another form of pity. I wasn't fighting back. I wasn't giving Homura what he wanted. He deserved that, so I finally gave him the fight he wanted. But it wasn't good enough. When he went for Sanzo I attacked without thinking, that was when I realized the shot I went for was fatal. Turning it at the last second, I moved my Niyou-bo from his head to his back.

I felt sick when the resonating snap sounded and Homura screamed out, before being tossed along the ground like a limp doll. I felt certain I would die right then when Homura's body came to a stop, and he lay crumpled against the tower. Horror, that's what I felt. Forgetting my Niyou-bo, I ran towards him. He didn't dodge on purpose! I felt fury building inside of me. The bastard was doing this to me on purpose! Did he want me to suffer that badly?

"No, you defeated me fair and square."

Lying son of a bitch.

He continued talking but I barely heard him. It was only when he grimaced, clutching his heart again that fear replaced fury and my hand fell out, wanting to touch but afraid I might hurt him any more. Throwing my concerns aside, I lay a hand gently on his shoulder. "Don't die!" I remember screaming. He couldn't die. He wouldn't just die on me! He can't do that to me! Homura had become something to me that words cannot express. A friend, a rival, a brother, something I can't even begin to describe. He was someone who I wanted to beat his face in, but never truly wanted him to die. I wanted this squabble between us to continue. Me an' Sanzo an' the guys would just continue traveling to the west, and Homura would pop up once or twice to try and steal the sutra again. We would fight, he would win, and after the fight I would burn with determination and fury, awaiting his next arrival so I could pound him good. I never really wanted him to die. I just wanted to beat him.

"It's over," Homura's soft, shaky voice brought me out of my thoughts. Golden eyes flickered down to take in his shaking form. He was staring out longingly over the ruins of his decaying world. Thunder crackled overhead, sparking in the moisture in the air. The earth rumbled and began slowly breaking apart, as thought it were a cookie that had been dried out, crumbling to tiny pieces that would be lost all along the floor. A giant, black hole swarmed overhead, stealing the energy and forcing it back to the other world. Our world. Home. I turned my gaze back to Homura as he shut his eyes, unable to watch as his dream crumbled before his eyes. "I wanted so badly to see it before I died. But the human blood in my veins finally caught up with me."

I gasped softly, trying to hide my surprise. If Homura had been looking, he probably would have seen straight through my pitiful attempt, then laughed and messed up my hair. That is, if he wasn't lying in front of me dying. I stared at his form, eyes flickering as thoughts raced so fast I couldn't even comprehend them. If Homura was part human… then was that truly why he had been so sluggish during the fight? He had been dying, slowly. That made me feel even worse, knowing that even in our last battle he had to have a handicap before I was able to beat him. I felt worthless. I wanted to face Homura at full strength, then maybe I would be able to prove my strength and beat him. But he had to be _dying_. Somehow, it felt like he had once again outsmarted me, making me feel more and more like a loser.

Rocks began to break off nearby mountains, the ground was breaking up. The world was falling apart all around us and we could only stare at the fallen god. The one who was looking up at me with mismatched eyes. "…But… I am still a War God, and I will die in battle," his eyes softened, and he gave me the look he had that night so long ago when he kidnapped me. When he offered me the world. I felt my breath hitch. It felt as thought Homura was relaying a deeper message to me through his words; through his eyes. Like there was something more important he was trying to tell me, but couldn't. "That's why I picked you." His eyes were clouded, as though he was once again offering me the earth, and the sun, the moon and the stars, but feeling utterly betrayed because I turned him down for something… someone so much harder to obtain. I had only seen this look one other time and it stirred the same emotions within me; guilt, anger, self-hatred, sorrow, and something I couldn't yet name.

"If I was to fall I wanted it to be by your hand." Homura's overconfident, knowing smirk began to creep upon his lips again, and his eyes softened with something I had not yet seen in him. Compassion. Understanding. As though he'd come to a silent conclusion within himself. As though he no longer needed to be jealous or angry towards me—or perhaps it was someone else. Nevertheless he looked calmer, as though once again he'd won and left me standing in the dust, bewildered at the events that had just taken place. "You are the only warrior I've found worthy of besting a War God." There was that soft undertone again, as though there was a secret message within his words I was unable to decode.

I could only stare, feeling numb to the core as I watched him shake, his voice waver. He was dying quickly, yet it was like he had to explain things to me in a code I could never understand. "…Homura…" I hated the sound of my voice. It sounded so weary and broken, as though someone had strummed on my vocal cords and made it so much more difficult to speak.

"Konzen…" I started when his hand rose, pointing to Sanzo. My eyes flickered between the two, before settling on Homura as the man struggled to speak. "Konzen… I know I am not in the position to ask you for anything. But I wish for my body to be sealed away in here… so that it may travel on, with the passing of this world."

I could feel myself breaking at this point, and I turned away from him, unable to stand his tone of voice, what he was saying. It seemed like Homura had finally given up hope, as though he'd embraced death with open arms. I hated that. Homura couldn't give up hope. He had to keep fighting… for maybe my own sake. Perhaps I was simply being selfish. If Homura wanted to die, then what right did I have to take that away from him? I suddenly didn't care. Homura couldn't simply go off and _die_, what about the moon, the stars? What happened to the Homura who had pinned me to the wall and offered me the world? I missed that Homura, not this one. Not the one who was so ready to give up everything and die. I hated this Homura. I wanted _my_ Homura back. The one I fought and respected and loathed and loved.

I will never forget one of the last things Homura told us. "Knowing… that you'd die one day, gives you the courage to live your own life." For a long time I was puzzled by this. I had no idea what Homura meant, but then, silently, in the middle of long summer nights I came to my own conclusion. Knowing that death would soon be on our heels one day made me, Sanzo, Gojyo and Hakkai… it made us live the way we wanted. It made us do the things we wanted to, live and breathe and laugh in our own way, not how someone else dictates how we live. We weren't dictated by the heavens, by our parents or by each other. We lived how we lived and we would be damned if we let anyone change that. And, maybe, Homura was trying to tell me it was okay. It was okay that I chose Sanzo. He was telling me that I was free to chose who I wished to love, and that he would never force me into it. I would never know if he truly meant that, or perhaps it was my sleep-deprived imagination. I don't think I'll ever know.

I was frightened, horrified, distraught, depressed—anything, you name it—as I watched Homura's form slump over, his lungs releasing their last breath, which sounded eerily like a sigh of content. I watched him die, and I became horrified. Homura simply couldn't die on me! What happened to the moon and the stars? I could feel tears stinging my eyes, but I would be damned if I let them fall. What would Sanzo say? I bottled my sorrow into fury, punching the ground and screaming until my knuckles were raw and bleeding.

It felt like only yesterday, that I was chained to the wall, struggling as the bounds dug deeper and deeper into my wrists until I was sure they were raw. He had pinned him arm behind my head, smiling like he ruled the world. He could've killed me so easily then, too. He would have snapped my neck, stabbed me, and I doubt I would even be able to make a sound. Worse yet, he could rape me, and no one would be able to hear me cry out in anguish as my soul was violated and my body was tainted. But he didn't, he smiled that same cocky smile and in a voice ridden with lust and desire, he said… he said….

"_I will give you everything you desire." _

"_Like hell!" _

I feel so guilty now. If I hadn't been so riled up by Homura's continual Sanzo-bashing, I might've taken a moment to consider what he was actually proposing. He would've given me everything Sanzo couldn't; love, affection, compassion, trust. Everything Sanzo couldn't offer me. Everything I so wished the blond would give me, Homura was offering with open arms. A part of me screamed at me, saying that it wasn't Sanzo. No matter how much I convinced myself that it would never be Sanzo, because Sanzo would never say these things to me. But a lonelier, darker part of my soul offered a simpler option; _the nagging feeling of loneliness would finally disappear. _Sanzo was more then enough, and I didn't think for a second that I could survive without his light, but at the same time a part of me wanted to latch onto the love and affection that Homura was offering. I wanted to explore physical touch. I wanted to kiss and caress and feel secure in someone's arms. I wanted to be wanted.

But that annoying voice sparked up and once again reminded me that it was _NOT SANZO_. And that I couldn't afford to betray my sun for this man. No matter how tantalizing and alluring, I couldn't simply betray Sanzo. I think Homura understood, because in less then an hour I was following Sanzo back to the inn we were staying at, the scent of fresh rain and cigarettes overpowering my senses. _Sanzo's been smoking a lot tonight_, I remember thinking as I tried to ignore the water seeping into my boots. I remember looking back, over my shoulder, and staring at Homura's face. That same look of betray and longing was in his eyes, and I felt terrible.

Sometimes I find myself up at night, when I cannot sleep, thinking about the ebony-haired god. I've completely memorized every feature of his, trying to reply the sound of his voice and the feel of his walk over and over in my head. Because I know one day that it's going to fade and I know I'm going to hate myself when that day comes. So I continue to prolong the feeling of his hand slowly making its way down my arm, the echoing sound of his whisper in my ear. When I'm up late on those nights I wonder what would have happened if I accepted Homura's proposal. If I left with him and basked in all the loving affection he had to offer. And sometimes I think I would've died because Sanzo's light would never be able to reach me when I was with Homura.

And sometimes, when I'm up late on those nights, I listen as Gojyo breaths deep in his sleep, and I feel like I'm the only person in the world who mourns the death of a god.


End file.
